A man walks into a pharmacy, buys one condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laughing customer is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies, "Your house."
A man who is dying in the hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son: - To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly houses. - To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza. - To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices. -
And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in downtown. The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: Madam, your husband is very rich. He is having many properties!
You all are so lucky!! And the wife retorts: Rich??? Lucky??? He is a Milkman!!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk !!!
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again!
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!' 'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?' 'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'
His friend says, 'Could be worse I think mine was a witch.' 'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'
'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!
A farmer got in his tractor and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. 'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked. 'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'? 'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
How about your brother, Jacob? Is he here'? 'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Jacob getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges £200 for the bull and £150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Jacob!
I heard a funny!